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Young Writers Society



Those Little Glass Slippers (3)

by Sela Locke


Welcome back! Sorry it took me so long to get this bit on! It's rated PG-13 'cause... Prince Kharles is dumb. More or less. Just watch out.

Another vase shattered, the ear-splitting noise accompanied by a furious shriek. “You were betrothed?”

“Not precisely,” the prince grumbled, and this through clenched teeth. “She thought we would marry someday, but dear, ‘twas only an infatuation. It’s you I want, Eloise, only you.”

“I’m sure you told her that at some point, too,” Eloise growled. “In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if you did. I don’t want to meet her.”

“I know, El, but I had to invite her over. We can’t have the child running around shouting about how I so cruelly led her on. We’ll even things out a bit – perhaps I can set her up with someone… Raymond Leek, now that wouldn’t be a bad match.”

My fists clenched, ear pressed to the door. I was a child, yes, now that he no longer wished me to be a woman.

“Milady, please let me announce you—”

“Quiet! I already told you, I’m not going in there yet,” I whispered, shooting a frosty glare at the small, balding servant. He frowned, sitting down on a bench in this, the entrance chamber of the prince’s rooms. I knew I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but I also wasn’t planning to go in there if I was so obviously unwanted. I needed to know more about Eloise. I pressed my ear against the door again, thanking the heavens that it wasn’t a thick one.

“Now, if we did manage a betrothal ‘twixt them, she could settle down, with relative comfort and wealth. Besides, even a slight little thing like that one might be able to bear a healthy child – I just hope Raymond won’t mind this arrangement,” the prince was saying, and I wasn’t certain Eloise still occupied the room. I forced myself not to lose my temper at the way he was trying to tuck me away somewhere I couldn’t do him any harm, knowing that self-control was my greatest asset.

“Kharles, you really are very clever,” Eloise giggled, and I found it hard to believe she’d gotten over her anger so soon.

“I know, dear.”

There was silence after that, and I recoiled from the door, thinking of my prince and Eloise embracing beyond it.

“Now, Miss, if I can just introduce—” began the doorman.

“You may.” I had no idea what had led me to actually think I could control myself, when I came face-to-face with Prince Kharles. I’d be quite fortunate if I did not get executed for attacking him.

The doorman hopped off his bench and knocked smartly on the door. I thought I heard the sound of scuffling, like someone had just fallen off a couch and was now trying to right him or herself, and then, “Yes, who is it?” barked the unmistakable voice of the prince.

“Her ladyship, Miss Mariadelle Tadstreet.”

The door swung open, and I glided in, gazing at the scene before me with an expression of vague amusement. Pieces of at least two expensive porcelain vases were strewn across rugs and stone alike, and both the prince and his bride were looking decidedly ruffled.

“I am surprised to find you hiding away in your chambers, Your Highness. Don’t weddings traditionally have several days of feasting after them? Or were you too frightened of what I might do, if given so many chances to reveal your scandal?” I drawled. The door shut quietly behind me before the prince dared reply.

“Princess Eloise is rather averse to loud, crowded places. There was a banquet, but we left before it got out of hand,” Kharles said, stepping around the couch. He strode confidently up, snatched my hand, and leant down to kiss it – I pulled away before he had the chance.

“Don’t touch me,” I snapped, taking a step back and dropping all pretense of calm disinterest. “I came only because I was ordered to, Your Highness. I would go, now, if it’s to the prince’s wishes.”

“It is not,” he said, and I could hear the anger in his voice.

“What about your princess? You both seemed to be very… occupied, before I arrived.” Behind him, Eloise blushed furiously, ducking her golden-haired head. I smiled in satisfaction, watching the heat rise also to the prince’s cheeks.

“That can wait. You can’t, and I don’t believe you will,” he said.

“You are correct, for once. We were betrothed, you told me so yourself. What’s a promise, if even royalty breaks it?” I knew I’d hit him in the right place, there. If everyone knew the things he’d promised me, the times he’d danced and talked with me away from the public’s eyes, there would be trouble in the kingdom.

“It wasn’t, strictly speaking, a promise. I was a hotheaded youth, and men such as I make empty promises all the time.” He reached out to brush a strand of ‘cocoa’ hair from my eyes, but I took another step back, eyes narrowed.

“You aren’t just any ‘hotheaded youth,’ Your Highness, and I’m the daughter of the most powerful nobleman in Ape’erafer. This won’t go unnoticed, if it slips out.”

“Eloise, leave us,” he ordered, not even turning to look at her.

“But I—”

Eloise,” he said, and she caught the warning in his voice. With the small amount of dignity she had left, ‘Princess’ Eloise scrambled through a door to my left, slamming it behind her.

“What do you want, then?” His voice was soft, now, the way I always remembered it. He moved closer, and I walked slowly backwards until I was pressed against the door. The prince smiled, but it wasn’t a sweet smile – it was a proud, evil smile, and one I wasn’t familiar with at all. In one more stride, he was standing, looking down at me, our bodies so close together that I could feel the heat off his skin.

“I want you,” I choked out, blinking back tears.

“That… could be arranged,” he murmured. His face grew closer, ever closer, and then he was kissing me, much too passionately for someone who was married. Married, I thought, and struggled beneath his weight, as he held me against the door. I knew that, whatever else, I would never assist a man in being unfaithful to his wife… and yet, the part of me that was still in love with him relished his warm lips, and fought against the gentlewoman who was so repulsed by the prince.

Knock-knock, knock-knock. “Your Highness?” It was Raymond.

Prince Kharles jumped back, pulling me with him. I wrenched myself away, and the only emotion I could feel was cold, icy fury. “Come in,” I gasped, edging closer to the door and further from the prince.

“Your Highness, I was wondering if—” Raymond stopped in mid-sentence, staring at me. I knew I looked dreadful, for I could feel tears streaming down my face, my hair falling away from its loose bun. My dress was rumpled, and my cheeks hot and red; I was, from the expression on his face, a mess.

“Good gods, Mari, what happened?”

With a whimper of relief and sorrow, I fled to Raymond, throwing my arms around his middle and sobbing into his tunic. The words I attempted to speak were incoherent jumbles, and even his hand, gently rubbing my back, did little to comfort me.

“I heard you were boring and arrogant,” purred a familiar voice, “but I hadn’t any proof it was this bad.”

The navy-coated man was back.

“Duke Warrington! I do not recall inviting you to the wedding,” said the prince, and somehow, there was fear in his haughty words.

“Yes, well, I’ve never found being invited as very exciting, wouldn’t you say? But I was curious, so I came as some rather vague baron of here or there, and was taking a pleasant stroll through the castle when I found this strange girl trying to kill herself.” His voice held humor, but as my sobs grew quieter, I had a feeling he wasn’t very amused at all.

“Kill herself?” Kharles echoed.

“Yes. She was just about to toss herself down a full spiral staircase when I turned the corner.”

Raymond tensed beneath me, and I abruptly stopped crying to face the duke. I’m not surprised he is one, I thought, glowering at him. “Your Excellency, I simply wasn’t looking where I was going. I will assure you all that I did not want to end my life.”

“No matter. You weren’t looking where you were going because you were weeping, and you were weeping because of this bastard before us.”

The room went silent at this insult, as if all were seeing who could hold his – or, I added, her – breath longer. I shivered once, taking a step back from Raymond, but he drew me to him again, as though afraid I might be harmed otherwise.

“Khari!” cried Eloise, shoving the door open and rushing to the prince’s side. “How dare you call him – call him… th-that! He wasn’t unkind to Miss Tadstreet, he just didn’t want to marry her!”

Prince Kharles did not seem in the least pleased that his new bride had made a second appearance, and inched slightly back from her as she clutched his forearm.

“Didn’t want to marry me?” I said, disbelief in my voice. What had Kharles told Eloise, other than lies? “El—Your Highness, I will assure you right now that he wanted to marry me. Perhaps only because the treasury is somewhat bereft of gold and my father quite rich,” I added, glaring pointedly at Kharles, “but then, don’t we all make mistakes sometimes?” I tried to detach myself from Raymond, but before I could take so much as a step away, he caught me by the wrist.

“This is no place for a lady,” he announced, and began pulling me towards the door. “Come, Miss Tadstreet, I am sure you are sorely missed at the banquet.”

“Release me! I shall stay here until every ounce of truth is out before us! I shan’t let His Highness tell lies to Princess Eloise, I shan’t!” But he was stronger, much stronger, and only hesitated the slightest moment before continuing to half-lead, half-drag me from the room.

“Wait,” the duke said softly, putting a hand on Raymond’s broad shoulder. “I would like some truth myself, if you don’t mind, Master Leek.”

Raymond hesitated again, but this time, he allowed me to break free of his tight grasp. I kept close beside him, for if I hadn’t, I would have gotten either closer to Kharles, or Duke Warrington, and that I did not wish to do.

“I think,” I began, trying not to hate Eloise simply for what she signified, “you’ve heard most of it – the truth, that is. He” – here I scowled in Prince Kharles’s general direction – “lied, left me for a prettier face. Does it not worry you, Your Highness, that he might someday leave you for a younger, more beautiful lady?”

Eloise was silent, face screwed up as though she simply couldn’t grasp the thought of someone more dazzling than she.

“Mariadelle, I already told you, it wasn’t exactly a lie—”

“But wasn’t it?” Duke Warrington cut in, smiling in a secretive sort of way. “The only problem is, he’s the prince, and if he chooses to tell the whole kingdom that dear little Miss Tadstreet is a liar and a fool, they will more than likely believe His Highness over a – a child.”

I trembled, more in frustration than sadness or fear. “If ‘tis quite all right with you, Your Excellency, I have no wish to pursue the matter. And, if all you adults don’t mind, this child must go find her mother. Fare ye well,” I said, but glowered one last time at the prince before turning away.

I did not look back as I exited His Highness’s chambers, nor did I feel remorse of any kind as I glided calmly to, and then through the long entrance hall. If I still felt in love with Kharles, the rest of my heart and mind jeered at that very small part that did. I was ashamed at the thought that perhaps, I’d only loved him for his charming smiles, his silly, childish jests and cool green eyes.

I leant against one of the many thick white marble pillars lining the hall, feeling little lighter than when I’d arrived. Yet there’s still something about him, I thought sadly, something unique; that something that made me want to marry him in the first place. And what was that? I had no answer. What had it been, and what was it now, that still made me feel rather jittery inside whenever he smiled, whenever I remembered, even for the most fleeting second, that horrific kiss?

I had no further time to contemplate this, for just at that moment, a brown-and-cream blur came hurtling towards me, giggling and squealing happily. “Delle,” it nearly screamed, “he proposed!”

“Chelsea, where—what?” I spluttered.

“He proposed at the banquet! Oh, it was so romantic! And we’ll be married in the spring – isn’t it wonderful, Delle?”

I smiled in a distracted sort of way, knowing it would look rather feeble and feeling wrong for not being happier. “Wonderful, Sea, that’s lovely!”

“The carriage is here! Come, I’ll tell you on the journey home,” Chelsea said, regaining some of her composure. I followed her out of the gleaming marble entrance hall, and towards our small black carriage.

“Now, listen.” Chelsea’s voice diminished to a conspiratorial whisper as we reached the coach, but it still quivered with some of her former excitement. “There I was, standing with Dorothy and Edgar – they’ve been betrothed forever, you know – and talking quite politely to them – you remember how angry I was with Dorothy, when she said Jarald was ugly – when suddenly, who should come strolling up?”

“I don’t know, Sea, who?” I prompted, faking curiosity for her sake.

“Jarald Matheson!” She grabbed my arm and pulled me into the carriage, bouncing up and down in her seat. “He asked me if I would go outside with him, to this little secluded balcony, and of course I said, ‘Yes’ – but in that disinterested voice you taught me,” Chelsea added, nodding furtively at me.

“And then?” My heart pounded strangely in my chest, but not because Chelsea was just telling me how he’d gotten down on one knee, out on that romantic balcony, but because there was a man striding towards us, whom I could just see through the half-opened door.

“I was so excited, Delle! There he was, with that beautiful ring held out to me, and that smile I love so much on his face! Oh, you have no idea how—”

“Shh!” I hissed, as the man drew ever closer. “One moment, Sea, I believe someone’s coming.”

“Is it Mother? I can’t wait to tell her,” breathed Chelsea.

“No, no, it’s not Mother. It’s…” I grew quiet as he drew up beside the carriage, pulling the door open so he could see inside. He looked up, first at Chelsea, and the slightest frown flitted across his face, as if he’d been looking for something and she wasn’t it – and then he turned his eyes towards me, and the expression changed to one of triumph.

“Miss Tadstreet, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Could I have a private word?” He proffered a hand to assist my descent from the coach, and I took it, shooting a look at Chelsea that I hope she knew meant, Stay here.

“Your Excellency, where are we going? I haven’t all day to wander about the castle,” I said, contesting his bright smile with a cold, indifferent smirk of my own.

“Just inside – I only wish to ask a question.” We wove our way through parked and moving coaches, back up the steps and into the entrance hall. He led me to a quiet corner, and I found myself pressed against the marble wall. It didn’t improve my mood one bit that he was standing so close.

“If this is your idea of a joke, Your Excellency, I cannot say I care for it.” I glared up at him, which was proving exceedingly hard, considering we were less than a hand’s breadth apart.

“No, not a joke, milady. I – ah, was but wondering something,” he murmured, and I began to hope something poisonous and deadly would bite him, so I could escape. “Something about… betrothals.”

“Yes, and what were you wondering, milord?” I asked, trying to snuff out my sudden curiosity.

“Well, you see, considering recent happenings – that is to say, the prince’s wedding, and keeping in mind the fact you no longer have a, how shall we say it, fiancé, I was thinking to request something.”

“If you beat around the bush much longer, milord, it may just beat back,” I warned, the slightest smile catching at my lips.

“I am, as you well know, Duke Warrington of Jharrim, and I do not often fail to get what I want,” he said, and I knew he wasn’t jesting. “I have come to ask your hand in marriage.”

He said it as though he were flustered, but one glance at his face and I was persuaded of the opposite; there was a lazy smile on his face, and he exuded confidence and elegance I did not pretend to have.

“Marriage?” I whispered, with nothing but surprise. “You, King Orendell’s brother, Duke of Jharrim, marry me?”

“Why, mademoiselle, are you so surprised? Your father was most enthusiastic – it could prevent the war! Not that I wouldn’t be slightly disappointed at that, but you, I’m sure, could distract me from my woeful emotions.”

I wanted to be happy, or grateful, but something, something was there, that I couldn’t explain, couldn’t excuse. Perhaps ‘twas the greed in his eyes, or the way he asked, as if he knew that no matter what I said, he would get his way.

“Thank you, milord, for you boundlessly generous offer, but I’ve never liked foreigners much,” I said, and yet I knew his response before it ever showed on his face, before the words ever formed in his mind.

He laughed.

“My dear girl, did it ever occur to you that this might have already been decided? That, perchance, I did not need your consent?” he asked. “This morning, I was speaking with your father and King Manfred. Not one of us really wanted war, and so dear Count Tadstreet came up with the joyful idea of marriage. Naturally, King Orendell is already wedded to Queen Isis, so the closest honor, the closest bond to marrying the king became… me.”

I bit back a sharp retort, reminding myself I was a woman, and he a man. If Father had decided to marry me off, the only thing to stop him would be my death.

“Milord knows I cannot escape this, and he enjoys the idea, does he not?” I queried, and my voice was a mere breath upon the quiet air.

“Yes,” he said, deep brown eyes twinkling in a beam of afternoon sun. I looked silently up at his dark complexion, his coal-colored hair – a foreigner, through and through.

“Your Excellency, my coach and sister await me, and I would go, if it’s quite the same to you,” I said, after I managed to regain the power of speech.

“It is, Miss Tadstreet.” But he didn’t move. I began to edge sideways, still pressed against the wall. “But I’d like to ask one more question before you go.”

“A perfectly innocent one,” I said, inching away from him with painstaking slowness. “No doubt.”

He caught my forearm, and I looked down at the strange contrast – my skin, normally so much darker than that of others, looked pale in contrast with his. “I wouldn’t be so hasty, milady. All too soon, there will be no escaping me.” His smile was no longer so innocent.

“I think, Your Excellency, that I will refrain from dreading that day until I am looking it right in the eye.” It took all my self-control not to yank my arm from his grasp. “You said you had a question,” I reminded him.

“Ah, yes, the question. Well, that can wait. For now, I would like you wear this.” He pulled something out of his coat pocket, and, lifting up one my hand, slipped it onto one finger. “Just to make sure you remember.”

I stood, making certain I didn’t look at what it was – although I’d already guessed, I was determined not to give him the satisfaction of seeing any expression that might cross my face.

“Thank you, Your Excellency. We will see each other soon, then?” The question was voiced with nothing more than polite interest. In my mind, I was begging him to say, No. Not ever.

He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it, but his eyes stayed on my face. “Yes, milady. Quite soon.”

I didn’t look back as I fled the hall.

I know it's long, but this was the best way to end it. Less nitpicking, more advice, yes? ^_^


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Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:37 am
Jas wrote a review...



I envy you so much. I mean whenever I read Harry Potter or Speak or the Hunger Games, I could always reassure myself that they were older,had more experience and that was the only reason they were better. Now someone my own age is most obviously better! I envy you so much...anyway review time! Sorry for my emo-chick mini-rant thing up there, I think the only problem with this was that I still can't imagine an Eloise. It would seem more Cinderelly if you make the princess' name Cinderella . No hard feelings though right? I hate how the Prince never really shows up in the movie, he is just that amazing rich hot guy that everyone wants, annoying much, however you changed that. It seems like this is not Cinderella just a different Kingdom. Please for the love of all writers, change "Eloise" back into Cinderella. I love the fact that Eloise/Cindy's a bitch but her name..grr it irks me. Other than that I LOVED THIS!! and hate you for being an awesome writer...yet I love the fact that you wrote this. My mind is all mumbo-jumbo like now. Grrrrrr...:)




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Wed Sep 09, 2009 3:42 am
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



Whoa... Seems like no one is what I first expected them to be. Prince Kharles? Cad. Eloise? Juvenile witch. Duke Warrington? Arrogant cad. Raymond... I'm not really sure. Leading to...

1) I thought she didn't like Raymond? At least, that was the impression I got in the last bit. Maybe I just read it wrong, but I seem to recall her not liking him so much. And yet, in this chapter, she seems to depend on him as a comforter when faced by the love of her life turning out to be a jerk.

2) Running something I saw in the other comments above me: I know you are going for the "other side" twist with a character who wasn't even in the original (which, by the way, I am still loving), but we do need to be reminded that this is a Cinderella retelling. Eloise may not be the main character or even a secondary character, but we do need to hear something about her or the Cinderella storyline somewhere, just to remind us what we are reading. Otherwise, it branches too far into a completely original storyline and then you might as well have written a completely original story. (Boy, when I say it like that it sounds wrong... I mean that it won't be a retelling anymore, but a different story entirely.)

3) I loved the juxtaposition between the two betrothals. Chelsea gets the cutest proposal imaginable by a guy she actually loves, then poor Mariadelle gets a arrogant jerk who she has barely known for two hours force a ring on her finger. I mean... Geez...

I'm addicted. I admit it. Continuing...

~GryphonFledgling




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Fri Jun 05, 2009 6:33 pm
EllyMelly wrote a review...



Good Morning, Sela!

Oh. My. God. Oh my god. Oh my god!!! (I guess you can tell I'm really excited)

This chapter was simply amazing!! Nothing else. Oh. my god. Oh my god!! I'm like really really happy after reading this part. Oh my...

This is so good, that I can picture myself reading this out of a hardcover novel. Sela, you are a excellent writer.

First off, I couldn't tell who's POV this was. Then I realized Della was just eavesdropping. Man, Eloise is vicious and angry. Then so is Della. I seriously can't believe the prince is like that. Wow. He's such a disappointment. And that kiss? Whoa, there.

Uh. Um. So like the mysterious man is a Duke. Whoa, he's like high in society and the ton. (that's the aristocracy) And I can't believe he proposed to her! This is going too fast for me to handle. But, I shall read on.

Oh, and by the way...I'm happy for her sister. Simple Stunning, Sela!

Melly




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Sat Feb 21, 2009 6:34 pm
Thai Food wrote a review...



So we meet again, Miss Williams.

There is no advice that I could give that you have not received.

I feel the ferocity of this woman and I love it. She is a girl, with mood swings and trust issues. Mariadelle is the mind of ever woman that lived.

I'm so ashamed that a 13 year old is already twenty nine and a half times better than I am. 'Tis not fair my lady! But then again, I'm enthralled with it.

So this really wasn't a review, more like assorted compliments, but it is all I can say on it. Also, I really love getting points.

-Maelijah




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Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:28 pm
SheepMonoxide says...



I'm in love

with

this

story. <3_<3




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Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:46 am
Bittersweet wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Reading this, contrary to Lauren, I think I liked it a little less than second installment, though it's still very good. I guess I just feel as though too many of my questions were answered too soon; it might have been nice to keep something waiting until later as the plot thickens. Such as, it seemed to me that the identity of Duke Warrington was revealed far too soon. I also think that the proposal came to soon. We don't know of this man at all. I think we should hear more if him, learn more of him before the proposal. It was far too hasty.

I do like, however, the fact that she must be sworn into this marriage. It makes us curious to see how this will work out, like if she's going to end up liking this man after all.

This chapter was just very hurried; you need to slow it down a bit! Not so much where it's boring and uneventful, but tone it down some. I thought that the scene in the prince's chamber's was rushed. It was certainly good and suspenseful, but it ended too early and Mariadelle seemed rather out of character; she was far too unfeeling. She didn't have enough snappy comments. We didn't exactly know just what was going through her head, only what was coming out of her mouth.

It's hard to believe that the prince would be so evil and jerkfaceish. I think it could have done well to have led up to this; perhaps you could have had a previous meeting with Mariadelle and the prince before the wedding, in which we begin to see that he's not the fairytale Delle thought. But that's just me.

I agree with Stella, as well, it might be nice to have some more reference to the original Cinderella story since you've detatched from it so much. :P

Anyway, despite my more negative feedback, this is still really good. I'm still very interested, and I still think you're a wonderful writer for you age! Keep on writing!

-Holly




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:56 pm
Evi wrote a review...



Hey again, Sela!

I'm glad you didn't ask for nit-picks, because I couldn't find any! *epic gasp* Shoking, I know, but it was obvious that you read this a good number of times before posting, and that you know your spelling and grammar. So, to the overall review now?

:arrow: Characters/Characterization

Alright. I love Mariadelle's spunkiness, and even though the spirited girl thing is sometimes over-done, I think you've risen above that a created a genuinely likable character for us to relate to. The bit about a small part of her possibly still being in love with Kharles is good, and it helps us pity her even more.

My main issue is that we have two complete morons as the love interests here. I've always hated how Cinderella/Eloise accepts her Prince Charming so immediately, so completely, which isn't a problem here with Raymond...but! How exactly does she feel about him? We have Mariadelle smiling slyly, and smirking good-naturedly, but then we have her stomping off, and biting off sharp retorts. Huh? If she's liked him, at least a little, from the very beginning, you need to say so. If she's been wary of him, cautious of his expression of interest in her, you need to say that too. If it's a mixture of both, or even if it's neither, I'd like to know where she stands. Does her opinion of him plumment the instant he proposes?

I agree with Stella; we need a bit more connection with the original. You could throw in something little, like a mouse running around Eloise, or something a bit bigger, like a visit from a not-so-evil stepsister. Something to remind us what story this is. Because, at the moment, it could be anybody's.

Wow. That was long.

:arrow: Dialogue

Ahh! Your dialogue is wonderful here, except for the fact that it could use a teensy bit more of that old-fashioned flair, don't you think? Just here and there. The 'twas and the 'twixt is on the right track, I believe, just don't let us forget what time they're in. You don't have to just do this through style and dialogue. You can remind us of the clothing; you're doing well with the carriage.

:arrow: Description

I think it could use a bit more description, but you aren't lacking in this department. Your plotline is excecuted superbly; there's nothing wrong there. But sometimes I think describing the place or the people a bit more would help us not only feel the conflict, but see it too. Ya?

:arrow: Atmosphere

I always feel obliged to use atmosphere as one of my reviewing points, but I find it harder with plot-heavy peices like this. It's easier to comment on atmosphere with a more emotional story. Ahh! Wait! I'm not saying your isn't, it's just that this has such a fun array or characters and conflict that I'm not going to get too caught up in what kind of atmosphere you've established. A good one, I think. Maybe I could tie this into the traditional dialogue, and the description. But, over-all, I don't think a strong atmosphere is what you need to be aiming for.

:arrow: Continuing

There are so many ways to continue this! Like I've said, this is a character-heavy and plot-heavy story, and there's nothing wrong with that. But it does mean that your readers are going to care what happens next. Really, really care, and that means you'll have to deliver something to entertain us. You're doing a fabulous job of that so far; I'm very interested it what comes next.

As for continuing, I have no idea if you already know what you're going to do, or if it's already written. I will, however, return to the suggestion that you add more Cinderella-esque tidbits, like mice or stepmothers. We want to know that our fairytale we know and love as at least a bit of truth in it, and you can portray that truth by tying it in here. Mariadelle's story is sort of a parallel to Cinderalla/Eloise's; while one starts with nothing then gains everything, the other starts with everything and starts losing it all. That's interesting, in a good way. :D

Can't wait to read the next part! WRITE!

~Evi




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 9:38 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Right so...

I. NITPICKS

“Now, if we did manage a betrothal ‘twixt them,


'twixt? I like it.


Perhaps ‘twas the greed in his eyes,


'twixt, fine, but why 'twas here, out of dialogue?

Hmm... you needn't worry about too much nitpicking, that's all I have.

II. OVERALL

I'm still interested as to where the original fairytale has gone -some references would always be good...

How is the Duke at the wedding when the King and the Count couldn't be? Also, the King held off going to his own son's wedding? It's unlikely. I'd also like to see Chelsea asking her sister why she wasn't at the wedding or the banquet...

overall though, I really enjoy this. Could you please PM me when part four is up?

Hope I helped,

-Stella x




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:20 pm
Lauren says...



Oh, I see :*) I'm a little embarrassed now. Must have slipped my notice.
Just wondering, how many parts will there be?




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:16 pm
Sela Locke says...



That's funny, I thought I made it rather clear:

I am, as you well know, Duke Warrington of Jharrim...


His surname is Warrington, as he makes clear here, but his country is Jharrim, the country adjacent to Ape'arafer, where Mariadelle lives. ; )

Thanks so much for the reviews! I'll try to get chapter four on as soon as I can! =D

-SELA




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 1:18 pm
xDudettex wrote a review...



Hey =]

Yet again i loved it and am still hooked!

My only nit pik is the same as 'lhighton.' I was a bit confused as to who actually proposed to her but apart from that your description and dialouge was great.

Will be reading part four =]

xDudettex




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 11:16 am
Lauren wrote a review...



Where Part 2 suffered, this certainly has been a return to form! Loved it, loved it! Had me on tenterhooks the while time. The dialogue was perfect, the characters comical and eccentric. It needs a bit of editing to smooth things out, but otherwise it was great.
I was a little confused with the ending. it was well-written and there was lots of chemistry, but you didn't make it clear who was making the proposal. I was pretty sure it was Duke Warrington, but then you said Duke of Jharrim... Could you make it a little more lucid? Anyhow, I loved how it wasn't typical---I see a love-hate relationship coming on. Goody!!

Look forward to part 3

Lauren 8)




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 7:26 am
Bokkaku says...



Oh, wow. Prince charming surely turned into a dirty bastard, didn't he? And Cinderella is now quite the witch. You've definitely twisted the story away from Cinderella a bit more. I like it, though.





You cannot have an opponent if you keep saying yes.
— Richard Siken